do you have a social media presence?

*Puts hand over face, runs screaming from the room* ‘Noooo!’

When we were little many of us had imaginary friends, but we grew out of it aged about five. That’s Facebook out of the picture.

Similarly, why anybody would be remotely interested in 140 characters of us virtue-signalling is a mystery. Au revoir, Twitter.

And, finally, we’re unlikely to get any worthwhile business from the sort of people who attach heart and unicorn emojis to photographs . Adios, Instagram!

The reality is that none of our plants have opposing thumbs. It’s really hard for them to use a keyboard.