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what kind of business are you?
where are you based, and what are your opening hours?
are you open to everybody, or are you trade only?
why don’t you do online or mail order sales?
are your products available anywhere else?
why is your stuff better?
are you expensive?
are the photographs here all the jobs you’ve ever done?
do you have a social media presence?
why don’t you publish a client list?
why don’t you open on Saturdays?
why don’t you have a catalogue and price list?
why is the website full of more-or-less obscure cultural references, mild sarcasm and attempts at low wit?
do you have any competition?
OK, you’re perfect, if slightly deranged, what don’t you do?
do you have a social media presence?

*Puts hand over face, runs screaming from the room* ‘Noooo!’

When we were little many of us had imaginary friends, but we grew out of it aged about five. That’s Facebook out of the picture.

Similarly, why anybody would be remotely interested in 140 characters of us virtue-signalling is a mystery. Au revoir, Twitter.

And, finally, we’re unlikely to get any worthwhile business from the sort of people who attach heart and unicorn emojis to photographs . Adios, Instagram!

The reality is that none of our plants have opposing thumbs. It’s really hard for them to use a keyboard.

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